No, Not The Festival
For a very, very long time now I‘ve treasured the thought and desire to leave a place whole-heartedly. Leave my hometown, sitting in a train or better the back of a car, looking out the window with that certain daydreaming-glance in one eye and crying with the other. Leaving a place for good. Leaving behind things you love and hate. A feeling of relief and pain. A fresh start. Like the pilot of an american 2008 teenage tv-show. To escape. Very dramatically and yet redeeming and subliminal. In sweet melancholia. A lost soul making a cut. In the end I imagine it to be such a feeling of power and self awareness.
The perfect song for the escape is set. I found it in the end of Sofia Coppola’s “Lost In Translation“ when Charlotte is leaving Hongkong: “Just Like Honey” by The jesus And Mary Chain. I want to experience the feeling of leaving and as Holden Caulfield says in the Cather of The Rye: “I don’t care if it’s a sad goodbye or a bad goodbye, but when I leave a place I like to know I’m leaving it.” So how do I find closure?
To Leave Or Not To Leave
I’ve been feeling really stuck and captivated in my small hometown for a very long time now. I felt the urge to leave one day for about 3 years, but something holds me back. I have these dreams where I try to run away, but I can’t…only really slowly and torturously. Like I’m paralysed. I’m held back by myself, expectations, fear, money, love and indecisiveness. I don’t know what it is exactly, but I’ve never been surer of anything. I need to leave. I need to ditch my fear. It’s so hard to let go of familiarity, but I know there is so much to come, there will always be tough decisions to make and I’m plainly scared. This fear needs to be overcome, because everything I want lies on the other side of it.
Recently I came to realize that maybe this whole time I’ve tried to solve an unsolvable equasion.
Maybe it’s not: closure → overcoming fear → jumping = new chapter
But: Jumping → new chapter = overcoming fear + closure
Maybe there’s no closure without the jump. Or maybe, oh horror of horrors, there’s no closure after all… a myth… a waste of time to wait for.
My feet are more than itchy and I know very well how urgently I crave and need to leave this place and start somewhere new, somewhere more me. A place like Brighton. It is my shelter, my happy place. Whenever I’m there I feel like a better version of myself. The open-mindedness and the great people just paste onto oneself and make me feel so much more free. It cures my perfectionism and self-pressuring. I’m not sure if I feel ready, but how ready can you be?
Deep down I do love the place I grew up. I know it like the back of my hand. I have amazing people in my life and I’ve had the best childhood anyone could ask for, but underneath it was always present that I don’t belong here. All my life I felt out of place. Like trying to fit into the wrong puzzle and finally I found the puzzle I fit into: Brighton! I believe everyone has one or more places in the world where they really belong. Where you can finally let go of your burden, fully thrive and thus finally become the person you always felt like inside. It’ll be easy. No more overthinking. A place where you don’t have to think twice. You’re just alright.
What I know is that when the day has come, I’m going to wear my glittery Zara dungaree dress that looks like the coat Carrie wore when she left for Paris!
So here’s to the great escape!